Gearing up!

So a few days ago we thought we were going to welcome our little one into the world. Just kidding! After almost 24 hours of continual contracting it just petered out. I was very frustrated, to say the least. I felt like I had sent my sweet little man away to spend the day with multiple aunts so that mommy, daddy, and grandma could sit around and watch NCIS all day, waiting for something to happen. However, I have noticed my Braxton Hicks contractions to be more effective and I believe wee one has figured out the way out. There has been much pressure on my cervix the last few days or so.

This is always the time of the pregnancy that goes the slowest. I keep thinking, "Geez! Get out already!!!" At the same time, though, I don't want her coming out until she's ready. I've seen babies that were not quite ready to come out. They usually have trouble adjusting. That is why I am so dead set against induction. It implies that the doctor knows best when that kid should be born rather than The Creator that made the kid. When I consider how said Creator is pretty much the only person who knows exactly what day and time the ovum was fertilized, I tend to think He is probably the only one who knows exactly when that kid is ready to be born. Call me crazy...Most of my co-workers do...

So here we go VBAC! I wrote a post about VBAC-ing at the beginning of this pregnancy. I still feel the same, only stronger. We took the Bradley classes (all 12 of them). It was a challenge. It was an hour drive both ways, but I feel that it was very helpful to prepare us for what is to come.

Also, I have been praying for God's peace through this thing and I feel that He has definitely provided it thus far. I continue to pray for His peace for everyone involved in the birthing process (Me, Naomi, Matt, Mom, and all the midwives) and continue to pray for a safe, successful VBAC. The closer the time comes for this baby to be born, the more at peace I have been feeling. I didn't even realize it until my mom commented on it the other day. She said I seemed a lot more at peace about this labor than I did for David's. Part of it is, I am sure, the fact that I am more prepared. My midwife told me there was no need for me to take a birthing class for David. I didn't know about proper bodily positioning to get David in the right position before he was born. Looking back I realize that I was doing everything wrong. I was relying on my own knowledge of obstetrics and where I worked to get me through that birth. Now, I am relying on God's guideance. I believe He led us to the Bradley classes and He showed me the perfect focal point (an awesome playlist of some awesome praise and worship songs that I have compilated on my IPod).

Most importantly, though, I have tried to make God the center of this pregnancy and birthing process. This is where that peace comes from. God is in control. He always has been, but until I made Him the center of this pregnancy, that peace was always illusive.

Geez, perhaps I should make Him the center of everything in my life, hmmmmmm? Lately, labor and giving birth have not been concerning me. What has been concerning me is my role as a wife and mom. It seems I am no good at this role on my own! My house is always a mess and lately, in this last part of my pregnancy, I just have not had the will power or energy to do anything about it. My husband does not feel respected or loved. I am not caring for my child the way I should be and I am about to add another child to the mix. Could something so simple as making God the center of these aspects of my life make the difference? It worked for my impending labor. I think it is time I made Him the center of every part of my life.

My first thought is, "This is not the time to start making radical changes in my life! I am about to have a baby for heaven's sake!!" However, I am pretty sure that is a big fat cop-out! What better time to make this change than right when I have a new little one. I am going to be home for the next several months so I won't have to deal with work. My mom is going to help me learn to care for my house so we can get rid of the housekeeper that has not only been draining our bank account, but has also not been the best housekeeper in the world. It will be a slow process, but I think the process needs to begin right now with the decision to make God the center of the process. I cannot do this on my own. There is no possible way.

Proverbs 3:5 says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight."

I have been wandering a twisted road in trying to be a wife and mom on my own. I have found all sorts of organizational methods and books and things to try to do this, but none of it works. Perhaps I should start trusting in the Lord and acknowledge him in ALL the parts of my life. I have seen him give peace and perseverance in the areas I have entrusted to Him already. I think I will start trusting Him with the rest.

Jesus,
I have not acknowledged you in all my ways. I have tried and tried to accomplish these tasks by relying on my own understanding. Please forgive me for forgetting about you. Constantly remind me to trust you to help me be a better wife and mother. Help me to seek to put you in the center of every mundane detail of my life. Guide me as I venture on this path you have put me on. Thank you for being present in every area of my life. Help me feel your presense and your peace as I care for my family and household. Be the center of my role as a wife and mother.
Amen.

Hurting.

Have you ever had somebody say something so hurtful to you that you just wanted to roll up in a ball and die? It's even more painful when the person is one of the closest people in your life. That happened to me the other day. I will not repeat what they said and I will not say who said it, but it still hurts. It makes me wonder: if I wasn't around, would that make their life easier? According to what was said, I get that impression. They haven't mentioned it since, either. Why does that make it hurt more? There is this huge awkwardness between us that doesn't seem to go away. So now everytime that person says they love me, those words will be hanging in the air, drowning out the love part. I will ask myself, "Do they really love me?" What can I do to relieve this pain?
I read about other people's lives and how perfect they seem according to blogs and Valentine's day plans and facebook posts. Why can't my life be that happy? Am I doing something wrong? If so, what? What can I do different? What can I change in my life to be able to have a happy family?
I feel like a failure this week. I have been trying new ways to keep my house in order, but it always feels like one step forward, two steps back. Then this week happened and now I am two miles backward. Both David and I were so sick I could do little more than keep him fed and not die, myself. So, nothing got done around the house. When David went to sleep, I went to sleep. I didn't even see the disaster until I started feeling a bit better on Saturday and looked around. I did 2 loads of laundry and the dishes, but couldn't even summon the energy to fold the second load and put the clean dishes and first load away. The next day was work and an hour before leaving for work those words that have been floating around my head for the last 2 days.
Oh, I hurt. Where can I turn? To whom can I turn? Ah. I know. Psalm 121.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From whence shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

So as I read this on my trusty Kindle, I am crying in the middle of work. Even those I love the most, trust the most will always fail me. All except one. The Lord who made heaven and earth. He will never fail me. He will always heal me. He knows when I am hurting. Psalm 56:8 = Thou hast taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Thy bottle; Are they not in Thy book?" He records and knows every tear I shed. God will provide the healing. He will provide not only the analgesic to aleviate the pain but the NSAID I need to heal the wound. Not only will He heal my hurt, but He will show me how to fix the problem.

Psalm 73:23-26, 28

Nevertheless I am continually with Thee;
Thou hast taken hold of my right hand.
With Thy counsel Thou wilt guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but Thee?
And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Thy works.

All that to say, God will guide me and teach me the way I need to go. Even though everything and everyone else may fail, including myself, He will not!

I find that after exploring God's word, my turmoil has been replaced with peace. Even though I still hurt, it is as though a buffer has been placed between the words and my soul. I am still wounded, but somehow, the words do not continue to wound. It is almost as though I can feel the healing taking place.

So what do I do with this? I don't want to use this peace and healing to hold over those that hurt me. I refuse to taunt, "Nanna, nanna, boo, boo! You can't hurt me! God is on my side!" No. I want to figure out where the painful words came from. Am I really causing that much hurt in this person's life that they feel the need to hurt me so painfully back? If that is the case, what can I do to stop? How can I be a source of encouragement instead of a source of pain? How can I get this person to help me help them? I do not yet know the answers to these questions, but blessedly I know who does! "With Thy counsel Thou wilt guide me."

So. God, help me take the healing you are providing in my life and be a source of healing and encouragement in this person's life. Help me pray for them. Give me the words to say to them and to You to help them. Give me the strength and wisdom to be what this person needs of me. Continue to grow this person. Continue to help them grow into the person of God that you want them to be. I love them, Lord. I don't want to tear them down, but build them up. Open my eyes to see how to do this. It seems that everything I do hurts them. Help me stop. Help me think. Help me love. Help me. Help them. Help us. God, be glorified in us separately and together. Unify us. Strengthen us. Bind us together for Your glory. Amen.

Round 2.

Welp. I'm sure you, whomever you may be that chooses to read my few and far between blogs, know by now that I am preggers once again. Actually, I am very excited. I've had the baby bug since October. Baby is due end of August/beginning of September. I choose not to include a due date for the same reasons of last time - people harrass towards the end with statements like, "You still haven't had that baby?" and "Wasn't your due date two weeks ago?"
I also have a ton of worries. There are the usual worries of miscarriage, preterm labor, gestational diabetes, preterm rupture, preeclampsia, chromosomal problems, Placenta or vasa previa, and every other worry that comes with being a pregnant antepartum nurse. However, I also have the worries about the delivery. I really want a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian).
I have already been asked a dumbfounded "WHY?!?!" by my biggest skeptic at my job, who I am glad to say is going to work somewhere else. The reason being I feel cheated out of the birth experience I wanted with David. Ok. I know, and have preached this knowledge to my birthing class students, the whole purpose of labor and delivery is to give birth to a living, healthy baby and the means is unimportant. Unfortunately, being obsessed with this area in nursing, I really want to experience a vaginal birth. First of all, recovery is shorter, less painful, and there is less risk for infection. Second of all, I just really want the experience. I want to be able to say, "I did it! I accomplished that." A repeat, scheduled c-section is too easy. I know. Everybody wants the easy delivery. Why go through all the trouble if you don't have to, right? Well. I want to. Why should I feel guilty about that?
So, with a planned VBAC come many other worries. A VBAC is riskier than a regular, run of the mill vaginal delivery. A VBAC carries with it the possibility of uterine rupture. However, there have been recent studies that show that a VBAC may be safer than a repeat C-section.
Now, the next thing is (and this is how you can pray, if you are still reading) is to find an OB provider that we can afford and will support a VBAC. We loved the midwife we had last time, but she is out of network for our insurance and we can't just pay for it like we did last time. I was working full time then and we didn't have any other children. Please be praying for the search.
All these worries and what is my solution? Pray like a beast. Ok, so that may not be an actual phrase, but I have been. Maybe, pray like a squeaky wheel is a better term. I Thesselonians 5:17-18 says, "Pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." It doesn't say God will give you everything you want. It is just a simple command to not stop praying. So that is what I will do. I know God will give us what is best for us because He promised He would. So I keep praying.

Bummed.

So, my breastmilk is depleting and we are coming to the end of the breastfeeding era. I am sad. It appears to be a combination of stressed out/dehydrated mom and uninterested David.
During the day, he just doesn't "have time" to breastfeed. He barely has time to eat solids. It's go-go-go all the time. He will take the breast in the morning when he is sleepy (and the cat is not around. Sorry Milhaud. Morning feeding = you hang out outside) and at night. When he is sleepy. He gets excited if I offer during the day, but that only lasts about 30 seconds then it's off to the next thing.
The other problem I am running into is that I have been busy and stressed out sinced we got back from Colorado which causes me to not drink as much because I don't think about it. One track mind. Go do this. Take care of David. Take care of myself? Only when everything else is taken care of. When I realized how much less milk I have been producing I had a big wake up call.
Now I am trying to boost my milk supply by drinking more and drinking Mother's Milk tea and trying to get David to nurse, but after a week, I am not seeing much change. I think we are just at the end of an era.
It makes me sad. I like breastfeeding. It is really the only cuddle time I get with the busy monkey. Ah, well. All things come to an end eventually. I will take my 5 minutes of cuddle time in the morning and evening and cherish it all the more for the brevity of it.

Continuing to wait and continuing to pray...

Welp. David is older than the last time I posted (obviously). In fact, he will be 9 months this week. I am still tired! But, I have devised a sort of system as far as housekeeping is concerned. It is called, clean up the mess after you make it. Novel idea. My mom has always been on my case about this since I was a little girl. Recently, I have been putting it into practice and it is amazing how well it works! Usually, the mess is cleaned up after the monkey goes to sleep, but it is still going ok.
I haven't blogged in forever because nothing much has changed. I am still praying for God to make a way for me to be a stay at home mom. I got a bit of comfort in this arena today, from the sermon at church, of all places! The sermon was about The Lord's Prayer. One thing he said really stuck out to me. God always answers prayer and He does it in 3 different ways.
1. Yes! Your will is also My will!
2. Not right now. That will be good for you later, but not right now.
3. I have something better in mind.
So. I can infer that my desire to stay home with David is obviously not a "Yes, definitely, right now" type of answer. I have two options left to me. "Not right now" and "I have something better in mind." Either way is not so shabby. "Not right now" implies that God needs me where I am right now. This tells me that my work for Him as a floor nurse is not done yet. In that case I am in the perfect place, which is in God's will, and who am I to argue with Him about it? The "I have something better in mind" option is obvious. He has something better in mind and I am excited to see what that might be.
So. Until I figure out which way we are headed I will continue to pray that God will provide a way for me to be David's full time mommy. I will also continue to pray that He would give me the grace and the strength to continue to glorify Him where I am.

Thoughts on Motherhood thus far

In a nut shell: Tough, but worth it. Wow, that sounds cliche. Let me expound. I will probably sound like a big whiner, so bear with me, those who care to read on. David is a good baby. He is not fussy without reason. I get cranky when I am hungry/tired/dirty/etc, too. However, it can be quite a challenge figuring out which it is sometimes. Especially, when I'm tired. Which brings me to my next paragraph.

I am tired. Yes, I know. It comes with the territory, but I am tired. Bone tired. Seems like I will never not be tired. Because I am tired my house is a wreck. And it seems like every effort I make to get it into some semblance of presentable gets undone as soon as it is done and my kid is not even mobile yet. How can this be? Do things just jump out of place when I am not looking? Right now, as I write this, I am frustrated to tears. Where is my magic wand? Accio clean house!! Nope. Didn't work. At least, as far as I know it didn't work. I mean, Matt didn't call me just now to say, "Wow, our house just cleaned itself!!" How does one work 2 nights a week, care for a precocious 4 month old and keep the house clean and husband happy? It must be possible. Right? Is it not possible? If it is not, I would like to know so I can stop feeling like a lazy idiot. Maybe I am just a lazy good for nothing. Maybe my dad was right when he told me no man would want me because I was bad at house work.

What I would really like is to not work at all. Not a possiblity at this point in our lives, but a dream none the less. Before I had David I didn't want to go to work because I liked being at home, but I didn't worry about leaving Matt alone. He liked the time to himself so it wasn't too difficult giving it to him. Besides, once I was at work it wasn't so bad as jobs go. It really is a rewarding job and it is as much ministry as it is a job.

Now, however, it is getting harder and harder to leave David. I know he is with daddy and they are having "guys' night," but he is so upset when I am gone. Matt texts me at at work that he cries for hours at a time. I don't want to have to have other people take care of him and I definitely don't want to have to put him in Mother's Day Out. I don't like this at all. Sure, you can "present" reality to me and tell me that we need the money I bring in from my two nights a week and we need the health insurance that my job provides, but I don't like being away from my baby and that is the short and tall of it.

So. I am going to pray that God will somehow make a way for me to stay home. I can't see one right now, but I know that He can. Meanwhile, I will wait. This is the lenten season right now, is it not? Lent is all about waiting. This year the song Matt is using to tie in a sermon series all about the number 40, is the song "40" by U2. Here are the words:

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song

He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song

What do I see here? "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry." Ok. I will wait. He is not deaf. He can hear and see my need/desire. "He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm." He will give me the strength to wait. And He will give me the strength to figure out life until then.

I just realized that all I did was whine this entire post. I did not even mention the part that makes all this frustration worth it. My beautiful (I figure I can get away with that term for at least a year, right?) child. Just when I think it wasn't possible, the little man child grows more beautiful every day. He makes me laugh all the time, even when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I love his cooing (video to come on facebook of that cuteness) and smiles. I love that he is so friendly to everyone he meets. He is changing by the minute, it seems and is so smart. He observes everything so seriously. One can almost hear the gears turning in his brain. He makes the frustration and exhaustion worth it. I can keep going just so I can see what he will do next.

A different use for this blog.

When I first started using this blog I thought it would be a good place to post updates on my growing family. Now, however I think I will use facebook for that. Everybody that would be interested in familial updates are on facebook. Instead I will use this post as a commentary on life. Since I am not inspired to comment on life very often there will probably not be many entries. Every now and then, however, I do get inspired (usually at work when there is nothing else to do) and so I will blog. If you the reader are so inclined to read my inspirations, be they ever so few and far between, I encourage you to do so!

Refreshing!

Sunday, in church, I came across the usual sympathizers and anecdote tellers (although I managed to avoid the inevitable belly rubbers). However, I came across a new and refreshing experience as well.

There is a woman in the choir (I cannot recall her name. I feel terrible about this, but there are many people who know me that I cannot recall their name.) who was very helpful. She started out the conversation by asking me how I felt. I do not mince words (as I am sure those who keep up with me have noticed) so I told her exactly how I felt. I want to deliver this baby. I feel heavy, tired, uncomfortable, and impatient to meet this new little person. After commiserating with me for a minute on the discomforts of the third trimester she grabbed my hand and started to pray. I know people are praying for me and with me as I have been venturing on this whole pregnancy adventure (believe me, I have felt the prayers), but it was something else to have somebody suddenly pray in my presence. What she prayed for specifically was what has been on my mind the most lately. She prayed for a safe and healthy labor and delivery, a continued healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby. I admit it. I cried. I always cry when someone prays for me in my presence. I guess it is up there with remembering that God actually cares for me personally.

She has done this before. She grabbed me and prayed for me when I was in my second trimester. Again, she hit every prayer request on the head without me telling her what to pray for. Every time she has done this has been right after a session of obsessing and brooding on all the things that "could" happen. It is amazing to me how the Holy Spirit is always reminding me to trust Him. I know in my head that He is totally in control, but sometimes I forget to apply this to my life. Why? It is not like He has EVER let me down before. What gets me is that everytime I pray I know we will be okay. It is the times when I think to much without telling God about it that I start to freak out.

So. How do I apply this? The thing to do is to remember to never think without "thinking aloud" to God. Right? Every time I do it this way my brooding sessions always turn into praise sessions. It is not like God is going to be offended. He already covered all my stupid brooding and doubts with the blood of Jesus. (Why am I crying now? Is it the hormones or the fact that it is 0420 and I need to be in bed, but would be fired from my job if I went to sleep right now? Maybe a combination of the two...) So. From now on. Think aloud to God. Yep. That's what I am gonna have to do. All thinking must go to the Boss because not only is He the Boss, He is also the "freak less" guy. Every time I freak out to God he calms me down and causes me to freak less. I guess that is my lesson. That. and. How awesome is it to have true believers around? The woman at church (don't even know her name and don't really need to) is truly doing her job as a sister in Christ. She comes along side me, takes my hand, and brings me to God. I know that it is a Holy Spirit thing. As if we could really do that kind of thing of our own volition.

Pregnant lady crankasaurus rantings and ravings

I like to think I am usually pretty even keel when it comes to temperament, but I am turning into a crankasaurus. This pregnancy thing has been pretty cool. I mean, having a separate human being growing in my belly is a pretty neat thought.

It is not neat anymore. He is heavy and digging into my pelvis. He is no longer a cute little wriggle worm. No he is a giant kick boxing baby and the punching bag is my ribs and liver and stomach. He will probably be very cute and wriggly when he is born, but for now I am annoyed. Instead of David Matthew we are going to have to call him Paul Bunion and paint poor Milhaud blue. (I just read over all that and realized what horrible things these are to say about my child. Please keep in mind that I do not dislike my son. I just think we both might be more comfortable with him on the outside.)

Yesterday morning my mother bore the brunt of my crankiness as she is the one I talk to in order to keep myself awake on the way home from work. Sunday night I had two nurses declare that I will be pregnant all the way up to 42 or 43 weeks because I have a midwife. Folks, I have no sense of humor anymore. That is just not funny and won't be funny for at least a few months yet. It is just wrong and quite discouraging. When a person is apt to cry at the drop of a hat it is just downright mean to curse them with the misery of 3rd trimester pregnancy for 2-3 weeks past their due date.

I understand that there are few at work who "approve" of my choice of having a midwife instead of a doctor (although, lets face it, I am pregnant, not sick). However, I believe I have actually received better and less paranoid prenatal care than I would have with an OBGYN. Midwives are all about prevention where as most doctors wait for the problem to crop up and then deal with it with multiple interventions that could have been avoided with a little teaching. Doctors are great and wonderful for high risk pregnancies, but mine is not high risk. Also, my midwife does not sit around during the third trimester waiting for the body to figure out how to go into labor. She provides well researched herbal supplements that prepare the body naturally for labor and assist the cervix with dilation. If the doctor thinks labor isn't coming fast enough (or if their patient is whiney enough) they will go ahead and induce labor. If that doesn't work there is always a c-section! For those reading this that have chosen an OBGYN, please do not think I am judging you. To each his own (or better yet, her own). I just don't appreciate being looked down upon for my choice. So I choose to have a midwife instead of a doctor. How does this hurt my judgy nursing peers? So I choose to labor without analgesic or epidural. How does this effect them? It is my body and I have the right to choose the labor and care that is best for me. I do not try to convince others to do the same. In fact I encourage my childbirth class people to follow their doctor's advice and orders and I encourage them to get an epidural if they feel that will provide the best experience for them.

Ok. So. I guess I feel better now. Please understand that I am really not a terrible person. I am just uncomfortable. I am also getting to the point where I am ready to meet this new person. I think he is going to be a neat kid and I am anxious to get to know him (that, and it is daddy's turn to carry him around for awhile ;-) ). Please continue to pray with me for a continued healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby who will follow his namesake and become a man after God's own heart.

An interesting work week. God is still Sovereign

So Sunday night/Monday morning a lady came in 32 weeks 4/5 days and after much stupidity on the side of the doctor ended up delivering a dead baby. Today I am 32 weeks 6 days. When I heard of the fate of this woman's pregnancy I had a panic moment. I had begun to think I was in the clear as far as David's health. If I went into preterm labor at this point he would more than likely be fine. Everything is pretty much developed. He just needs to grow. The other lady's pregnancy is evidence that stuff can still happen. When I heard her story I knew that I had to pray, but could not even find words. I just had to let the Holy Spirit take over at that point because I was so freaked out.

Then, Monday evening on my way to work I found some words. I prayed the usual - a continued healthy pregnancy, a healthy labor and delivery, a healthy baby who is a good eater, good sleeper, not allergic to my cat, and not a screecher. I also found myself praying for the grace to give him back to God. It is amazing to me how attached I have become to someone I haven't actually met. Sure, I feel him pummeling me from the inside out, but I have never seen him, or held him. I asked God to be with me and Matto as we embark on this new adventure of parenthood. I want so much for him and he hasn't even been born yet. Most of all I want for me and Matto to demonstrate a strong faith in God. I want him to grow up understanding that he is loved and can come to us with anything. Lofty goals. Anyway, after all this praying I turned on the radio and this is the song that came on from my Skillet CD:

Whispers in the Dark

Pre-chorus:
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is A burning, consuming fire

Chorus:
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

It is good to know we are not going into this thing by ourselves. We, as David's parents, are his guides in life, but we have a guide who knows the way better than us and all we have to do is follow him.

Praying took away the anxiety for a healthy delivery as well. I know God is still in control and hasn't lost a lick of his sovereignty. It is good to be reminded.

Also, I have a patient tonight that delivered via c-section at 33 weeks because her baby's heart rate would not come down. When the baby was born his APGARs were 9 and 9 (that is good by the way) and after a little cardioversion (they shocked him with the paddles) his heart started working right again. This was a good reminder that not all pregnancies turn out with a dead baby. Sometimes when I see the sad stories I forget about the miriads of happy stories that happen multiple times a day around here. It is not all roses, but then again, it is not all thorns either.

Pics of the little man

It's still a boy!


Look! A foot!

His legs stretched out. Feet to the left.

His face. Yes. You can see a cut out of his brain. Cool.

There he is, folks. In all his 28 week majesty!

Welp...so much for technology...

So, I don't think I mentioned it in my previous blog, but when we had our ultrasound (U/S) at 18 weeks we were told that David only had two vessels in his umbilical cord. A normal umbilical cord will have three blood vessels in it - 2 arteries and 1 vein. The arteries flow from the placenta and thus from the mother, bringing oxygen and nutrients to the fetus. The vein flows from the fetus, bringing waste products to the mother. If there is only one artery (as they were telling us there was with our umbilical cord) there is a risk for decreased O2 and nutrients getting to the fetus causing the growth to be slowed and causing a potential for other problems. When we found out there were only 2 vessels my midwife told us not to worry - this kind of thing happens all the time. She would have us get another U/S at 28 weeks to make sure David was growing appropriately.

Well. We went to get our 28 week U/S Wednesday and lo and behold - 3 blood vessels in the umbilical cord. Hmmmm...Amazing. God grew an extra artery. Right? I do not put it past him. After all He has definitely done even more miraculous things in the past. I have seen them myself. However, I am thinking someone missed something in the first U/S. There are definitely 3 vessels. I saw them in color and black and white. Very obvious. It is kinda like waking up at 3 in the morning when your alarm is set to go off at 6. Irritating, but gosh it is a relief to realize you can go back to sleep for a few more hours. Irritating that the concern was present, but at the same time a big relief.

The whole time between 18 and 28 weeks I never felt worried. Even though I am an OB nurse and know exactly what can happen I was never afraid for my little man's safety. I never felt out of control or without an amazing peace. God, who knew exactly what was going on the entire time, never let me freak out in a situation that was totally freak out-able. It is good to know we have an all knowing God, because the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.

Also, confirmation that it is indeed a boy, for all of you doubters out there. I saw that for myself as well. Either a boy or a hermaphrodite, because folks, them tweren't girl parts!

He is doing well. His measurements all matched up to his gestational age. Growing like a champ and (as I can attest to by the kicks and punches and whatever else he is doing in there) getting stronger by the day. He is still a wiggle worm. He was breech in the U/S Wednesday and head down at the birthing center Friday. His favorite time to move is at night (nice huh?) except when something wakes him up during the day (like an ultrasound at noon). According to the U/S he is 2 1/2 to 3 pounds, right on track. Going strong.

I am also doing well. I have been doing 20 minutes of prenatal pilates every day, which has helped cut down on a lot of back and hip soreness. I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I have had to breathe through a few, but they don't last long and are usually pretty far apart.

If you are in the mood to pray for us, we are praying specifically for a continued healthy pregnancy, a healthy labor and delivery, a healthy baby, a good eater, a good sleeper, not a shreaker, and not allergic to Milhaud. Also, we are praying fervently for his salvation and that he would grow up like his name sake and be a man after God's own heart. I am not afraid to pray specific prayers because Christ's death has given us the freedom and courage to come boldly before God's throne. Why not take advantage.

The verdict is out - we know what it is...

IT IS A...............................

BOY! Okay so the ultrasound tech kinda gave it away by typing male at the bottom of the picture. If you look right in the center of the black spot you can see his little penis between his little legs! I don't know what is at the top of the black spot, though. Enjoy it now because I don't think we will be posting anymore naked pics of our little man in the future.

Here is a side view. Up top on the left you can see his head. Right below his chin is a shoulder...I think.

This pic is already labeled, but I will tell you anyway - here is his foot! The left one to be precise. His toes are more towards the middle of the big black spot off to the left of the screen.

Here is another profile shot of his head, closer up. His head is off to the right and his torso is to the left. Some sinuses are visible here too.

This is the best head shot I think. In this shot he is facing towards the top of the picture. His tongue is visible inside his mouth. One of his hands is touching his forhead and right below his hand his nose is visible. Perhaps we will save this shot for when he needs a pic for the program for his recital (whatever instrument he chooses!). :P

During the ultrasound he was very busy. He started off in transverse position, switched to vertex (head down) facing sunny side up (glad I was not in labor!) and then turned to look down! No wonder I feel him moving around ALL the time!

Anyway, there is our boy! We think he is very great. By the way he is wriggling around trying to say hi, so from the munchkin - "Hi!"

Matto is the Bomb!

So I just want to say a quick word about how great my husband is. He has been so great with all the pregnancy symptoms. He comes to all the doctor appointments (Okay, so there has only been 2 so far, but still!). Here is a specific story about how great he is:

A few weeks ago I absolutely neeeeeeded lobster. Yes. Lobster. At the time he was taking a nap in the bedroom and I felt so bad waking him with such a frivolous need. I waited as long as I could, but I finally had to go in there. I sat on the bed and stared at him. He looked so peaceful. Finally, I said his name and he opened his eyes and smiled at me. I said, "Matto, I need some lobster. I am so sorry!" He said, "Well, lets go to Red Lobster. However, if this craving becomes a regular thing we are going to have to learn to cook lobster because that can get a bit expensive." That's it! No - "Katherine, lobster is expensive. Can you not crave something else." Nope. And no cranky I just woke up Matto either. He just took it in stride. I am proud to admit that was the last time I craved that. Whew!

Also, one night all I wanted to eat was Lipton Chicken noodle soup. When Matt discovered we didn't have any he just got up, grabbed his keys, and went to the store. No complaining, no grumping (despite the lateness of the hour) or anything. Yeah. He is that great.

Anyway. Just had to put in a good word for my wonderful man! He is definitely the Bomb!

I DON'T LIKE BEING A NOOB!

The title pretty much sums up my frustration. I do not like being new at things. I am a new nurse and very frustrated about it. I am constantly learning and trying to incorporate what I learn into my work, but I am so frustrated. I want to know it all now and I am tired of making mistakes. I wish I could have all the experience of a 30 year veteran nurse right now! Everytime I miss something or everytime I make a mistake I just want to kick myself. Some of those things just stem from not having the knowledge and I know that knowledge cannot all be learned in the space of a week, month or even a year, but I hate not being perfect. I guess that is the material point, isn't it. I. hate. not. being. perfect. I want to do my best and I think I do for the most part, but let's just face it: my best isn't good enough right now because I don't have the experience. Oh frustration.



As I sit here think about what to write next the thought comes to me: What does every solved problem have in common? God. He is definitely perfect and is an expert at it. I really need to trust Him and believe that He is still in charge and will carry me as I figure this thing out. It all comes down to that Rebecca St. James song again doesn't it? I really can trust Him with this. I know that it is God's will that I be a nurse. I have seen His hand in the whole journey to becoming a nurse. So what is the deal? Why am I fighting Him now? I totally identify with Paul in Romans 7 when he talks about how he is always doing the things he doesn't want to do and never doing the things he wants to do. woot for sin nature (insert sarcastic tone here).

God - I can trust you with my career. I can trust you with my pregnancy. I can trust you with my future parenthood. I can trust you with my life. I can trust you with those that I love the most deeply. Now that I've said it, will you please help me believe it. Thanks. Amen.

Prego: It's in there!

Whelp. With e-mail, cell phones, and facebook everybody pretty much knows already, but for bloggings sake (and the fact that I don't have anything to do at work right now and reading tends to put me to sleep) - Yes I am indeed pregnant. If you look to the right side of the blog you can find out exactly how far along I am. I am not telling the exact due date (although if you know your math you have probably already figured that out) because I want to avoid harrassment around due date time. Suffice to say we will have a new friend around Halloween and a new addition to our family circle at Christmas time.

Working where I work I am both blessed and cursed in regards to pregnancy. I know everything that is normal and am therefore not afraid or concerned at the normal pregnancy symptoms. However, I am also cursed in that I know everything that can go wrong, as I see it on a weekly basis at work. This is a big prayer request for me. I need to trust God with this pregnancy. A song that keeps coming to mind lately (maybe because I have had the CD playing in my car) is Rebecca St. James' "I Can Trust You."
Here are the lyrics:

I Can Trust You

Yes, I know that you have paved a path for me.

Yes, I know that you see what I do and don't need.

But when it comes to the deepest things

I have a hard time relinquishing control

Letting go

God, it hurts to give you what I must lay down

But when I let go, freedom's found

God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear

Because of Your love its clear

I can trust you with this

I can trust you with me

I can trust you.

Lord, I know that you are worthy of my trust

For you have shown me time and time again

You're faithful and yet

I'm so scared of letting go of this

Afraid of what you might do with it

How could I forget who you are like this?

Me forsaking

Heart is breaking

I let go of what I've held so tight

Freedom's mine now

For the taking

I move in faith, not by sight

Let your will be done.

Every word cuts to the quick. Why shouldn't I give God my fears about this pregnancy and everything else in my life? He has always taken care of me and my family. Why would He stop now? Anyway, I could use some prayer in this. On that note....

Yay! We are going to have a monkey! Giraffe....BABY!

Thoughts on The Little Drummer Boy

Come they told me, a new born King to see; Our finest gifts we bring to lay before the King, so to honor Him when we come.

Little baby, I am a poor boy, too. I have no gift to bring that's fit to give the King. Shall I play for you on my drum?

Mary nodded. The ox and lamb kept time. I played by drum for Him. I played my best for him. Then he smiled at me; me and my drum.

So I always thought of this song as one of those songs that really has no Biblical basis and is just another fun song to sing, along with "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is coming to Town." However, recently I really listened to the lyrics. Okay so no drummer boy is mentioned anywhere in the gospels, but I really think this is saying something more than just, "There was this kid and he played his drum for the baby Jesus."

Some of the thoughts going through my head when I would listen to this song before were, "Really? Play a drum for a baby? Is that really such a good idea? Seriously. Isn't it kinda loud?" and "So the pa rum pa pum pums are getting a little redundant and irritating!" This year however I heard a really cool version of it by a group called "Denver and the Mile High Orchestra" that kind of jazzed it up a bit and added their own thing too it. One of the things added was: "I played my best for Jesus!" That got me thinking.

What do any of us really have that we can offer the King of Kings? Not really anything because everything we have already belongs to him. All our possessions, all our talents, us...it all belongs to Him. The best gift we can give to the King of Kings is to use what he has given us for him: To "play our best for Jesus."

So whatever talents Christ has given me - music, nursing, caring, teaching, compassion - I better just do my very best and stop fooling around. That is the only thing I can give Him to show my gratitude for his ultimate gift of salvation.

My hope for reward is His smile. Well done good and faithful servant. My I be worthy of that smile and statement.

Katherine, the directionally challenged: but divine appointment accomplished anyway!

So, Thursday while my handsome husband was at the Integrity music worship conference I was scheduled to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center. I left in plenty of time, but as the title of my post implies (or rather bluntly states) I am apparently directionally challenged. Mind you, I did not get lost in the part of town that I rarely travel. No, I got lost in Friendswood, where I go all the time because lets face it...Alvin, Tx doesn't really have much to offer in the entertainment arena, but I digress. Here I am traveling along I-45 south (which I do frequently) and I totally missed my exit. So I got off two exits down and did a U-turn and got on I-45 north. I took the correct exit this time, but instead of going straight to 528, I turned onto Nasa rd 1 going in the opposite direction from which I intended. I finally got turned back around and found the freeway again and found a different intersection that I am quite familiar with and finally made it to my destination...15 minutes late. Oh, great. So, not only am I leaving early (to meet Matto for dinner), but I am also late. The thought going through my head when I parked is, "I might as well not have come at this point." However, God definitely had a plan for my life and another's life, as you will see.

When I got there, the other volunteer was taking a pregnancy test back for counseling, so I pretty much hung out and talked with the director. Then another client came in with her sister and mother, so I got her set up. (At this point I am feeling sleepy - not sure why - and rather complacent.) I took the girl back to one of the rooms for counseling and discovered that she was 15, already 29 weeks pregnant, and her mom just found out the week before. I counseled this girl on abstinence and STD's before I even got to the spiritual issues. Then I shared the gospel with her. God is so good. Everytime I present the gospel it is different. God always puts the words in my mouth that the receiver needs to hear. This girl ended up accepting Christ that day and we got her plugged into a pregnancy center a little closer to her, as well as a church right across the street from her high school. (One of the volunteers that works on Monday just happened to be visiting the center at that moment and she knew of a church my client's area.) The girl will probably come back to our center when I start teaching Childbirth education classes in January so I might get to see her again. I was also able to counsel her mother a little too.

As I look back on this experience I can see two hands working here. I definitely see Satan trying to influence this appointment. I didn't want to go to the center at all because my lazy self wanted to stay at the hotel and...be lazy. On the way to the center I got lost ( in a familiar part of town) not to mention sleepy (which is probably why I was having so much trouble). When I got there I was still sleepy and rather complacent. But God, right? God won (as He always does). I made it to the center (albeit 15 minutes late). Once I got the client in the room I woke up and God put the words she needed to hear in my mouth and opened her heart. My friend, Megan, just happened to be available to give me the name of a church for this girl to go to. God set the situation up perfectly to bless both me and this client. There is no barrier that keep us from God's will. It will be done!

Good times this week!

So this past week Matto went to a worship conference, hosted by Integrity Music, in north Houston so we decided to get a hotel room and make it a little "minibreak." We really only got to see one another in the evening as Matto was at the conference, so during the day I went about business as usual.

Wednesday morning I came home from work and went straight to rehearsal for the ladies quartet I sing with. It did not go well. Katherine gets a bit cranky when she hasn't slept all night. Then my mom helped me pack so I could get a couple hours sleep before I was to meet Matto for dinner. I ended up being about a half hour late as I apparently have absolutely no sense of direction. Hmm. Anyway. We had dinner at PF Chang's and then Matto dropped me off at the hotel while he went back to the conference for the evening session.

(By the way, he had and awesome time at the conference. He got to hear Lincoln Brewster, Paul Balosh (I know it is not spelled right - I'm lazy, okay!) and other names I am not familiar with. Too much fun. He was really excited and I think it did some good things for his spiritual walk as well. I am very proud of how much Matto has grown in Christ since I've known him. I am so excited to watch him continue to grow!)

...to continue...I hung out at the hotel until he came back from the conference. I soaked in the jacuzzi tub that was in the room (oh, yeah! - in the room) and watched tv. (Boring you say? Perhaps not. I watched a very interesting documentary on the weather channel all about the big fat hurricane in the early 20th century that killed so many people in Galveston. Natural disasters are always entertaining.) When Matto came back to the hotel we just hung out in the room. Very fun and relaxing!

Thursday Matto had more conference and I had Crisis Pregnancy center so we went our separate ways. I actually did not want to go to the Crisis pregnancy center and was thinking about backing out, but I went and was rewarded (it is a long story so I will post that one after this one.) We met up for dinner again and this time had Saltgrass. (Oh. yes. Definitely a real Texas steakhouse and therefore the only kind of steakhouse worth going to.) After dinner we went to the final concert at the conference together. Very cool.

I am now a fan of Paul Balosh ( I know it's spelled wrong - get over it!) and Lincoln Brewster. Not so much of the Canadian folk singer guy, but there you have it. Paul Baloche's (are you happy now? I looked it up and it is now correct.) music is very accessable for worship. The tunes are easy to follow and the words are theologically correct and very God focused. Lincoln Brewster is fun and the words are worshipful, but not as accessable as Paul Baloche. I digress.

Back at the hotel more fun with the jacuzzi action and hanging out and Friday we went home and had fun hanging out there too, despite the lack of jacuzzi tub.

Saturday I went with my mom, niece, nephew's girlfriend, and some friends from the crisis pregnancy center to se "Twilight." Very fun. A good movie that I will definitely own! Mind you, it is not necessarily a cinema masterpiece, but was definitely fun for fans of the book. I felt that it actually followed the book quite well.

Now, I am back at work. Yes, yes, I know. Only three days, but it is hard to go back to work after such fun not at work.

Another name for The Book

So, Tuesday this girl came into the crisis pregnancy center I volunteer for, for a pregnancy test. She had been there in April for a negative test and was coming again. This time the test was positive. One of the things we do when these girls come in is share the gospel with them. I have had the opportunity to share the gospel with several girls, but this time when I asked her if she wanted to "accept the gift of eternal life in Jesus" she said yes! So I told her the formula for the salvation prayer and she prayed it. I prayed for her and recommended ways she could take care of herself now that she is pregnant. She is going to have the baby. I encouraged her to let her youth pastor know she had accepted Christ and told her about a christian vice principal at her school. I also encouraged her to do a little bible study for new believers to get 20 baby bucks (can be exchanged for baby stuff). Anyway. That was my Tuesday!