Refreshing!

Sunday, in church, I came across the usual sympathizers and anecdote tellers (although I managed to avoid the inevitable belly rubbers). However, I came across a new and refreshing experience as well.

There is a woman in the choir (I cannot recall her name. I feel terrible about this, but there are many people who know me that I cannot recall their name.) who was very helpful. She started out the conversation by asking me how I felt. I do not mince words (as I am sure those who keep up with me have noticed) so I told her exactly how I felt. I want to deliver this baby. I feel heavy, tired, uncomfortable, and impatient to meet this new little person. After commiserating with me for a minute on the discomforts of the third trimester she grabbed my hand and started to pray. I know people are praying for me and with me as I have been venturing on this whole pregnancy adventure (believe me, I have felt the prayers), but it was something else to have somebody suddenly pray in my presence. What she prayed for specifically was what has been on my mind the most lately. She prayed for a safe and healthy labor and delivery, a continued healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby. I admit it. I cried. I always cry when someone prays for me in my presence. I guess it is up there with remembering that God actually cares for me personally.

She has done this before. She grabbed me and prayed for me when I was in my second trimester. Again, she hit every prayer request on the head without me telling her what to pray for. Every time she has done this has been right after a session of obsessing and brooding on all the things that "could" happen. It is amazing to me how the Holy Spirit is always reminding me to trust Him. I know in my head that He is totally in control, but sometimes I forget to apply this to my life. Why? It is not like He has EVER let me down before. What gets me is that everytime I pray I know we will be okay. It is the times when I think to much without telling God about it that I start to freak out.

So. How do I apply this? The thing to do is to remember to never think without "thinking aloud" to God. Right? Every time I do it this way my brooding sessions always turn into praise sessions. It is not like God is going to be offended. He already covered all my stupid brooding and doubts with the blood of Jesus. (Why am I crying now? Is it the hormones or the fact that it is 0420 and I need to be in bed, but would be fired from my job if I went to sleep right now? Maybe a combination of the two...) So. From now on. Think aloud to God. Yep. That's what I am gonna have to do. All thinking must go to the Boss because not only is He the Boss, He is also the "freak less" guy. Every time I freak out to God he calms me down and causes me to freak less. I guess that is my lesson. That. and. How awesome is it to have true believers around? The woman at church (don't even know her name and don't really need to) is truly doing her job as a sister in Christ. She comes along side me, takes my hand, and brings me to God. I know that it is a Holy Spirit thing. As if we could really do that kind of thing of our own volition.

Pregnant lady crankasaurus rantings and ravings

I like to think I am usually pretty even keel when it comes to temperament, but I am turning into a crankasaurus. This pregnancy thing has been pretty cool. I mean, having a separate human being growing in my belly is a pretty neat thought.

It is not neat anymore. He is heavy and digging into my pelvis. He is no longer a cute little wriggle worm. No he is a giant kick boxing baby and the punching bag is my ribs and liver and stomach. He will probably be very cute and wriggly when he is born, but for now I am annoyed. Instead of David Matthew we are going to have to call him Paul Bunion and paint poor Milhaud blue. (I just read over all that and realized what horrible things these are to say about my child. Please keep in mind that I do not dislike my son. I just think we both might be more comfortable with him on the outside.)

Yesterday morning my mother bore the brunt of my crankiness as she is the one I talk to in order to keep myself awake on the way home from work. Sunday night I had two nurses declare that I will be pregnant all the way up to 42 or 43 weeks because I have a midwife. Folks, I have no sense of humor anymore. That is just not funny and won't be funny for at least a few months yet. It is just wrong and quite discouraging. When a person is apt to cry at the drop of a hat it is just downright mean to curse them with the misery of 3rd trimester pregnancy for 2-3 weeks past their due date.

I understand that there are few at work who "approve" of my choice of having a midwife instead of a doctor (although, lets face it, I am pregnant, not sick). However, I believe I have actually received better and less paranoid prenatal care than I would have with an OBGYN. Midwives are all about prevention where as most doctors wait for the problem to crop up and then deal with it with multiple interventions that could have been avoided with a little teaching. Doctors are great and wonderful for high risk pregnancies, but mine is not high risk. Also, my midwife does not sit around during the third trimester waiting for the body to figure out how to go into labor. She provides well researched herbal supplements that prepare the body naturally for labor and assist the cervix with dilation. If the doctor thinks labor isn't coming fast enough (or if their patient is whiney enough) they will go ahead and induce labor. If that doesn't work there is always a c-section! For those reading this that have chosen an OBGYN, please do not think I am judging you. To each his own (or better yet, her own). I just don't appreciate being looked down upon for my choice. So I choose to have a midwife instead of a doctor. How does this hurt my judgy nursing peers? So I choose to labor without analgesic or epidural. How does this effect them? It is my body and I have the right to choose the labor and care that is best for me. I do not try to convince others to do the same. In fact I encourage my childbirth class people to follow their doctor's advice and orders and I encourage them to get an epidural if they feel that will provide the best experience for them.

Ok. So. I guess I feel better now. Please understand that I am really not a terrible person. I am just uncomfortable. I am also getting to the point where I am ready to meet this new person. I think he is going to be a neat kid and I am anxious to get to know him (that, and it is daddy's turn to carry him around for awhile ;-) ). Please continue to pray with me for a continued healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby who will follow his namesake and become a man after God's own heart.

An interesting work week. God is still Sovereign

So Sunday night/Monday morning a lady came in 32 weeks 4/5 days and after much stupidity on the side of the doctor ended up delivering a dead baby. Today I am 32 weeks 6 days. When I heard of the fate of this woman's pregnancy I had a panic moment. I had begun to think I was in the clear as far as David's health. If I went into preterm labor at this point he would more than likely be fine. Everything is pretty much developed. He just needs to grow. The other lady's pregnancy is evidence that stuff can still happen. When I heard her story I knew that I had to pray, but could not even find words. I just had to let the Holy Spirit take over at that point because I was so freaked out.

Then, Monday evening on my way to work I found some words. I prayed the usual - a continued healthy pregnancy, a healthy labor and delivery, a healthy baby who is a good eater, good sleeper, not allergic to my cat, and not a screecher. I also found myself praying for the grace to give him back to God. It is amazing to me how attached I have become to someone I haven't actually met. Sure, I feel him pummeling me from the inside out, but I have never seen him, or held him. I asked God to be with me and Matto as we embark on this new adventure of parenthood. I want so much for him and he hasn't even been born yet. Most of all I want for me and Matto to demonstrate a strong faith in God. I want him to grow up understanding that he is loved and can come to us with anything. Lofty goals. Anyway, after all this praying I turned on the radio and this is the song that came on from my Skillet CD:

Whispers in the Dark

Pre-chorus:
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is A burning, consuming fire

Chorus:
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

It is good to know we are not going into this thing by ourselves. We, as David's parents, are his guides in life, but we have a guide who knows the way better than us and all we have to do is follow him.

Praying took away the anxiety for a healthy delivery as well. I know God is still in control and hasn't lost a lick of his sovereignty. It is good to be reminded.

Also, I have a patient tonight that delivered via c-section at 33 weeks because her baby's heart rate would not come down. When the baby was born his APGARs were 9 and 9 (that is good by the way) and after a little cardioversion (they shocked him with the paddles) his heart started working right again. This was a good reminder that not all pregnancies turn out with a dead baby. Sometimes when I see the sad stories I forget about the miriads of happy stories that happen multiple times a day around here. It is not all roses, but then again, it is not all thorns either.

Pics of the little man

It's still a boy!


Look! A foot!

His legs stretched out. Feet to the left.

His face. Yes. You can see a cut out of his brain. Cool.

There he is, folks. In all his 28 week majesty!

Welp...so much for technology...

So, I don't think I mentioned it in my previous blog, but when we had our ultrasound (U/S) at 18 weeks we were told that David only had two vessels in his umbilical cord. A normal umbilical cord will have three blood vessels in it - 2 arteries and 1 vein. The arteries flow from the placenta and thus from the mother, bringing oxygen and nutrients to the fetus. The vein flows from the fetus, bringing waste products to the mother. If there is only one artery (as they were telling us there was with our umbilical cord) there is a risk for decreased O2 and nutrients getting to the fetus causing the growth to be slowed and causing a potential for other problems. When we found out there were only 2 vessels my midwife told us not to worry - this kind of thing happens all the time. She would have us get another U/S at 28 weeks to make sure David was growing appropriately.

Well. We went to get our 28 week U/S Wednesday and lo and behold - 3 blood vessels in the umbilical cord. Hmmmm...Amazing. God grew an extra artery. Right? I do not put it past him. After all He has definitely done even more miraculous things in the past. I have seen them myself. However, I am thinking someone missed something in the first U/S. There are definitely 3 vessels. I saw them in color and black and white. Very obvious. It is kinda like waking up at 3 in the morning when your alarm is set to go off at 6. Irritating, but gosh it is a relief to realize you can go back to sleep for a few more hours. Irritating that the concern was present, but at the same time a big relief.

The whole time between 18 and 28 weeks I never felt worried. Even though I am an OB nurse and know exactly what can happen I was never afraid for my little man's safety. I never felt out of control or without an amazing peace. God, who knew exactly what was going on the entire time, never let me freak out in a situation that was totally freak out-able. It is good to know we have an all knowing God, because the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.

Also, confirmation that it is indeed a boy, for all of you doubters out there. I saw that for myself as well. Either a boy or a hermaphrodite, because folks, them tweren't girl parts!

He is doing well. His measurements all matched up to his gestational age. Growing like a champ and (as I can attest to by the kicks and punches and whatever else he is doing in there) getting stronger by the day. He is still a wiggle worm. He was breech in the U/S Wednesday and head down at the birthing center Friday. His favorite time to move is at night (nice huh?) except when something wakes him up during the day (like an ultrasound at noon). According to the U/S he is 2 1/2 to 3 pounds, right on track. Going strong.

I am also doing well. I have been doing 20 minutes of prenatal pilates every day, which has helped cut down on a lot of back and hip soreness. I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I have had to breathe through a few, but they don't last long and are usually pretty far apart.

If you are in the mood to pray for us, we are praying specifically for a continued healthy pregnancy, a healthy labor and delivery, a healthy baby, a good eater, a good sleeper, not a shreaker, and not allergic to Milhaud. Also, we are praying fervently for his salvation and that he would grow up like his name sake and be a man after God's own heart. I am not afraid to pray specific prayers because Christ's death has given us the freedom and courage to come boldly before God's throne. Why not take advantage.

The verdict is out - we know what it is...

IT IS A...............................

BOY! Okay so the ultrasound tech kinda gave it away by typing male at the bottom of the picture. If you look right in the center of the black spot you can see his little penis between his little legs! I don't know what is at the top of the black spot, though. Enjoy it now because I don't think we will be posting anymore naked pics of our little man in the future.

Here is a side view. Up top on the left you can see his head. Right below his chin is a shoulder...I think.

This pic is already labeled, but I will tell you anyway - here is his foot! The left one to be precise. His toes are more towards the middle of the big black spot off to the left of the screen.

Here is another profile shot of his head, closer up. His head is off to the right and his torso is to the left. Some sinuses are visible here too.

This is the best head shot I think. In this shot he is facing towards the top of the picture. His tongue is visible inside his mouth. One of his hands is touching his forhead and right below his hand his nose is visible. Perhaps we will save this shot for when he needs a pic for the program for his recital (whatever instrument he chooses!). :P

During the ultrasound he was very busy. He started off in transverse position, switched to vertex (head down) facing sunny side up (glad I was not in labor!) and then turned to look down! No wonder I feel him moving around ALL the time!

Anyway, there is our boy! We think he is very great. By the way he is wriggling around trying to say hi, so from the munchkin - "Hi!"

Matto is the Bomb!

So I just want to say a quick word about how great my husband is. He has been so great with all the pregnancy symptoms. He comes to all the doctor appointments (Okay, so there has only been 2 so far, but still!). Here is a specific story about how great he is:

A few weeks ago I absolutely neeeeeeded lobster. Yes. Lobster. At the time he was taking a nap in the bedroom and I felt so bad waking him with such a frivolous need. I waited as long as I could, but I finally had to go in there. I sat on the bed and stared at him. He looked so peaceful. Finally, I said his name and he opened his eyes and smiled at me. I said, "Matto, I need some lobster. I am so sorry!" He said, "Well, lets go to Red Lobster. However, if this craving becomes a regular thing we are going to have to learn to cook lobster because that can get a bit expensive." That's it! No - "Katherine, lobster is expensive. Can you not crave something else." Nope. And no cranky I just woke up Matto either. He just took it in stride. I am proud to admit that was the last time I craved that. Whew!

Also, one night all I wanted to eat was Lipton Chicken noodle soup. When Matt discovered we didn't have any he just got up, grabbed his keys, and went to the store. No complaining, no grumping (despite the lateness of the hour) or anything. Yeah. He is that great.

Anyway. Just had to put in a good word for my wonderful man! He is definitely the Bomb!

I DON'T LIKE BEING A NOOB!

The title pretty much sums up my frustration. I do not like being new at things. I am a new nurse and very frustrated about it. I am constantly learning and trying to incorporate what I learn into my work, but I am so frustrated. I want to know it all now and I am tired of making mistakes. I wish I could have all the experience of a 30 year veteran nurse right now! Everytime I miss something or everytime I make a mistake I just want to kick myself. Some of those things just stem from not having the knowledge and I know that knowledge cannot all be learned in the space of a week, month or even a year, but I hate not being perfect. I guess that is the material point, isn't it. I. hate. not. being. perfect. I want to do my best and I think I do for the most part, but let's just face it: my best isn't good enough right now because I don't have the experience. Oh frustration.



As I sit here think about what to write next the thought comes to me: What does every solved problem have in common? God. He is definitely perfect and is an expert at it. I really need to trust Him and believe that He is still in charge and will carry me as I figure this thing out. It all comes down to that Rebecca St. James song again doesn't it? I really can trust Him with this. I know that it is God's will that I be a nurse. I have seen His hand in the whole journey to becoming a nurse. So what is the deal? Why am I fighting Him now? I totally identify with Paul in Romans 7 when he talks about how he is always doing the things he doesn't want to do and never doing the things he wants to do. woot for sin nature (insert sarcastic tone here).

God - I can trust you with my career. I can trust you with my pregnancy. I can trust you with my future parenthood. I can trust you with my life. I can trust you with those that I love the most deeply. Now that I've said it, will you please help me believe it. Thanks. Amen.

Prego: It's in there!

Whelp. With e-mail, cell phones, and facebook everybody pretty much knows already, but for bloggings sake (and the fact that I don't have anything to do at work right now and reading tends to put me to sleep) - Yes I am indeed pregnant. If you look to the right side of the blog you can find out exactly how far along I am. I am not telling the exact due date (although if you know your math you have probably already figured that out) because I want to avoid harrassment around due date time. Suffice to say we will have a new friend around Halloween and a new addition to our family circle at Christmas time.

Working where I work I am both blessed and cursed in regards to pregnancy. I know everything that is normal and am therefore not afraid or concerned at the normal pregnancy symptoms. However, I am also cursed in that I know everything that can go wrong, as I see it on a weekly basis at work. This is a big prayer request for me. I need to trust God with this pregnancy. A song that keeps coming to mind lately (maybe because I have had the CD playing in my car) is Rebecca St. James' "I Can Trust You."
Here are the lyrics:

I Can Trust You

Yes, I know that you have paved a path for me.

Yes, I know that you see what I do and don't need.

But when it comes to the deepest things

I have a hard time relinquishing control

Letting go

God, it hurts to give you what I must lay down

But when I let go, freedom's found

God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear

Because of Your love its clear

I can trust you with this

I can trust you with me

I can trust you.

Lord, I know that you are worthy of my trust

For you have shown me time and time again

You're faithful and yet

I'm so scared of letting go of this

Afraid of what you might do with it

How could I forget who you are like this?

Me forsaking

Heart is breaking

I let go of what I've held so tight

Freedom's mine now

For the taking

I move in faith, not by sight

Let your will be done.

Every word cuts to the quick. Why shouldn't I give God my fears about this pregnancy and everything else in my life? He has always taken care of me and my family. Why would He stop now? Anyway, I could use some prayer in this. On that note....

Yay! We are going to have a monkey! Giraffe....BABY!