Bummed.

So, my breastmilk is depleting and we are coming to the end of the breastfeeding era. I am sad. It appears to be a combination of stressed out/dehydrated mom and uninterested David.
During the day, he just doesn't "have time" to breastfeed. He barely has time to eat solids. It's go-go-go all the time. He will take the breast in the morning when he is sleepy (and the cat is not around. Sorry Milhaud. Morning feeding = you hang out outside) and at night. When he is sleepy. He gets excited if I offer during the day, but that only lasts about 30 seconds then it's off to the next thing.
The other problem I am running into is that I have been busy and stressed out sinced we got back from Colorado which causes me to not drink as much because I don't think about it. One track mind. Go do this. Take care of David. Take care of myself? Only when everything else is taken care of. When I realized how much less milk I have been producing I had a big wake up call.
Now I am trying to boost my milk supply by drinking more and drinking Mother's Milk tea and trying to get David to nurse, but after a week, I am not seeing much change. I think we are just at the end of an era.
It makes me sad. I like breastfeeding. It is really the only cuddle time I get with the busy monkey. Ah, well. All things come to an end eventually. I will take my 5 minutes of cuddle time in the morning and evening and cherish it all the more for the brevity of it.

Continuing to wait and continuing to pray...

Welp. David is older than the last time I posted (obviously). In fact, he will be 9 months this week. I am still tired! But, I have devised a sort of system as far as housekeeping is concerned. It is called, clean up the mess after you make it. Novel idea. My mom has always been on my case about this since I was a little girl. Recently, I have been putting it into practice and it is amazing how well it works! Usually, the mess is cleaned up after the monkey goes to sleep, but it is still going ok.
I haven't blogged in forever because nothing much has changed. I am still praying for God to make a way for me to be a stay at home mom. I got a bit of comfort in this arena today, from the sermon at church, of all places! The sermon was about The Lord's Prayer. One thing he said really stuck out to me. God always answers prayer and He does it in 3 different ways.
1. Yes! Your will is also My will!
2. Not right now. That will be good for you later, but not right now.
3. I have something better in mind.
So. I can infer that my desire to stay home with David is obviously not a "Yes, definitely, right now" type of answer. I have two options left to me. "Not right now" and "I have something better in mind." Either way is not so shabby. "Not right now" implies that God needs me where I am right now. This tells me that my work for Him as a floor nurse is not done yet. In that case I am in the perfect place, which is in God's will, and who am I to argue with Him about it? The "I have something better in mind" option is obvious. He has something better in mind and I am excited to see what that might be.
So. Until I figure out which way we are headed I will continue to pray that God will provide a way for me to be David's full time mommy. I will also continue to pray that He would give me the grace and the strength to continue to glorify Him where I am.

Thoughts on Motherhood thus far

In a nut shell: Tough, but worth it. Wow, that sounds cliche. Let me expound. I will probably sound like a big whiner, so bear with me, those who care to read on. David is a good baby. He is not fussy without reason. I get cranky when I am hungry/tired/dirty/etc, too. However, it can be quite a challenge figuring out which it is sometimes. Especially, when I'm tired. Which brings me to my next paragraph.

I am tired. Yes, I know. It comes with the territory, but I am tired. Bone tired. Seems like I will never not be tired. Because I am tired my house is a wreck. And it seems like every effort I make to get it into some semblance of presentable gets undone as soon as it is done and my kid is not even mobile yet. How can this be? Do things just jump out of place when I am not looking? Right now, as I write this, I am frustrated to tears. Where is my magic wand? Accio clean house!! Nope. Didn't work. At least, as far as I know it didn't work. I mean, Matt didn't call me just now to say, "Wow, our house just cleaned itself!!" How does one work 2 nights a week, care for a precocious 4 month old and keep the house clean and husband happy? It must be possible. Right? Is it not possible? If it is not, I would like to know so I can stop feeling like a lazy idiot. Maybe I am just a lazy good for nothing. Maybe my dad was right when he told me no man would want me because I was bad at house work.

What I would really like is to not work at all. Not a possiblity at this point in our lives, but a dream none the less. Before I had David I didn't want to go to work because I liked being at home, but I didn't worry about leaving Matt alone. He liked the time to himself so it wasn't too difficult giving it to him. Besides, once I was at work it wasn't so bad as jobs go. It really is a rewarding job and it is as much ministry as it is a job.

Now, however, it is getting harder and harder to leave David. I know he is with daddy and they are having "guys' night," but he is so upset when I am gone. Matt texts me at at work that he cries for hours at a time. I don't want to have to have other people take care of him and I definitely don't want to have to put him in Mother's Day Out. I don't like this at all. Sure, you can "present" reality to me and tell me that we need the money I bring in from my two nights a week and we need the health insurance that my job provides, but I don't like being away from my baby and that is the short and tall of it.

So. I am going to pray that God will somehow make a way for me to stay home. I can't see one right now, but I know that He can. Meanwhile, I will wait. This is the lenten season right now, is it not? Lent is all about waiting. This year the song Matt is using to tie in a sermon series all about the number 40, is the song "40" by U2. Here are the words:

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song

He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song

What do I see here? "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry." Ok. I will wait. He is not deaf. He can hear and see my need/desire. "He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm." He will give me the strength to wait. And He will give me the strength to figure out life until then.

I just realized that all I did was whine this entire post. I did not even mention the part that makes all this frustration worth it. My beautiful (I figure I can get away with that term for at least a year, right?) child. Just when I think it wasn't possible, the little man child grows more beautiful every day. He makes me laugh all the time, even when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I love his cooing (video to come on facebook of that cuteness) and smiles. I love that he is so friendly to everyone he meets. He is changing by the minute, it seems and is so smart. He observes everything so seriously. One can almost hear the gears turning in his brain. He makes the frustration and exhaustion worth it. I can keep going just so I can see what he will do next.

A different use for this blog.

When I first started using this blog I thought it would be a good place to post updates on my growing family. Now, however I think I will use facebook for that. Everybody that would be interested in familial updates are on facebook. Instead I will use this post as a commentary on life. Since I am not inspired to comment on life very often there will probably not be many entries. Every now and then, however, I do get inspired (usually at work when there is nothing else to do) and so I will blog. If you the reader are so inclined to read my inspirations, be they ever so few and far between, I encourage you to do so!