In a nut shell: Tough, but worth it. Wow, that sounds cliche. Let me expound. I will probably sound like a big whiner, so bear with me, those who care to read on. David is a good baby. He is not fussy without reason. I get cranky when I am hungry/tired/dirty/etc, too. However, it can be quite a challenge figuring out which it is sometimes. Especially, when I'm tired. Which brings me to my next paragraph.
I am tired. Yes, I know. It comes with the territory, but I am tired. Bone tired. Seems like I will never not be tired. Because I am tired my house is a wreck. And it seems like every effort I make to get it into some semblance of presentable gets undone as soon as it is done and my kid is not even mobile yet. How can this be? Do things just jump out of place when I am not looking? Right now, as I write this, I am frustrated to tears. Where is my magic wand? Accio clean house!! Nope. Didn't work. At least, as far as I know it didn't work. I mean, Matt didn't call me just now to say, "Wow, our house just cleaned itself!!" How does one work 2 nights a week, care for a precocious 4 month old and keep the house clean and husband happy? It must be possible. Right? Is it not possible? If it is not, I would like to know so I can stop feeling like a lazy idiot. Maybe I am just a lazy good for nothing. Maybe my dad was right when he told me no man would want me because I was bad at house work.
What I would really like is to not work at all. Not a possiblity at this point in our lives, but a dream none the less. Before I had David I didn't want to go to work because I liked being at home, but I didn't worry about leaving Matt alone. He liked the time to himself so it wasn't too difficult giving it to him. Besides, once I was at work it wasn't so bad as jobs go. It really is a rewarding job and it is as much ministry as it is a job.
Now, however, it is getting harder and harder to leave David. I know he is with daddy and they are having "guys' night," but he is so upset when I am gone. Matt texts me at at work that he cries for hours at a time. I don't want to have to have other people take care of him and I definitely don't want to have to put him in Mother's Day Out. I don't like this at all. Sure, you can "present" reality to me and tell me that we need the money I bring in from my two nights a week and we need the health insurance that my job provides, but I don't like being away from my baby and that is the short and tall of it.
So. I am going to pray that God will somehow make a way for me to stay home. I can't see one right now, but I know that He can. Meanwhile, I will wait. This is the lenten season right now, is it not? Lent is all about waiting. This year the song Matt is using to tie in a sermon series all about the number 40, is the song "40" by U2. Here are the words:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song
He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song
What do I see here? "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry." Ok. I will wait. He is not deaf. He can hear and see my need/desire. "He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm." He will give me the strength to wait. And He will give me the strength to figure out life until then.
I just realized that all I did was whine this entire post. I did not even mention the part that makes all this frustration worth it. My beautiful (I figure I can get away with that term for at least a year, right?) child. Just when I think it wasn't possible, the little man child grows more beautiful every day. He makes me laugh all the time, even when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I love his cooing (video to come on facebook of that cuteness) and smiles. I love that he is so friendly to everyone he meets. He is changing by the minute, it seems and is so smart. He observes everything so seriously. One can almost hear the gears turning in his brain. He makes the frustration and exhaustion worth it. I can keep going just so I can see what he will do next.
4 comments:
I love your thoughts. And I love what you are praying. I think God will honor your desire because I think He loves for little people to grow up with their mamas.
Shortly after Benj was born I told my mentor "I just feel so guilty all the time!" (about all the same things you talked about...the house, the mess, the inability to juggle it all) and she said, "Welcome to the Mommy Club." From my own experience all the things you expressed are totally normal. I am still trying to figure it out, 4 years and 3 kids later. BUT I do have to say that in many ways the baby stage is the most challenging and I think it does get better. You will figure out what works for you.
I think you said you needed someone to tell you that what you are experiencing is ok so that you can stop feeling guilty. I'll say it! You're not lazy, you're TIRED! And that's ok!
One last word of encouragement: This job is WAY TOO BIG FOR YOU. I know, that doesn't sound encouraging does it? But it is because God gave it to you anyway, which means that HE will supply everything you need to do it. I don't know about you but I'd much rather do something too big on His resources than something manageable on mine. Does that make sense?
Thanks for being honest. The world needs more honest mommies. Anyone who's "got it all together" is lying. :)
Thanks Kiersten. That helps a lot. Sometimes I feel all alone in this. It is good to hear from someone I think of as having it all together that they don't. It is also a good reminder that I am not doing this alone even if David and I were the only people on the planet.
Love you girl, hang in there..(kinda behind on my blog reading)...but i say...this too shall pass and don't feel bad and Matto and all of us love you lots and I am guessing that David will never remember this time in his life and will grow up great because you love him and the Lord. I know you are trying to honor the Lord with your finances and work and I know you must be a blessing to soo many that you come in contact with at work...as you are even long distance to me. I haven't ever been a mom, but I don't have my own house together and don't know of one mother of an infant who would say that they do (working or otherwise). Take heart my friend...HUG!
It's okay to whinge sometimes, honey.
It's okay to vent and get it out so you can look at your problem and see what the real issue is.
What I think?
Housekeeping is the gift of a very few individuals.
My mom is one of them.
And it *is* a gift. Somehow, she just stays on top of a clean house.
There are tricks you can learn, but I really believe that some folks are born neat, and have no trouble staying that way.
Do what you can, but honestly?
I loved coming to your house because I knew I would be loved and welcomed there. I really couldn't care less about how it *looked*.
I love you.
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