In a nut shell: Tough, but worth it. Wow, that sounds cliche. Let me expound. I will probably sound like a big whiner, so bear with me, those who care to read on. David is a good baby. He is not fussy without reason. I get cranky when I am hungry/tired/dirty/etc, too. However, it can be quite a challenge figuring out which it is sometimes. Especially, when I'm tired. Which brings me to my next paragraph.
I am tired. Yes, I know. It comes with the territory, but I am tired. Bone tired. Seems like I will never not be tired. Because I am tired my house is a wreck. And it seems like every effort I make to get it into some semblance of presentable gets undone as soon as it is done and my kid is not even mobile yet. How can this be? Do things just jump out of place when I am not looking? Right now, as I write this, I am frustrated to tears. Where is my magic wand? Accio clean house!! Nope. Didn't work. At least, as far as I know it didn't work. I mean, Matt didn't call me just now to say, "Wow, our house just cleaned itself!!" How does one work 2 nights a week, care for a precocious 4 month old and keep the house clean and husband happy? It must be possible. Right? Is it not possible? If it is not, I would like to know so I can stop feeling like a lazy idiot. Maybe I am just a lazy good for nothing. Maybe my dad was right when he told me no man would want me because I was bad at house work.
What I would really like is to not work at all. Not a possiblity at this point in our lives, but a dream none the less. Before I had David I didn't want to go to work because I liked being at home, but I didn't worry about leaving Matt alone. He liked the time to himself so it wasn't too difficult giving it to him. Besides, once I was at work it wasn't so bad as jobs go. It really is a rewarding job and it is as much ministry as it is a job.
Now, however, it is getting harder and harder to leave David. I know he is with daddy and they are having "guys' night," but he is so upset when I am gone. Matt texts me at at work that he cries for hours at a time. I don't want to have to have other people take care of him and I definitely don't want to have to put him in Mother's Day Out. I don't like this at all. Sure, you can "present" reality to me and tell me that we need the money I bring in from my two nights a week and we need the health insurance that my job provides, but I don't like being away from my baby and that is the short and tall of it.
So. I am going to pray that God will somehow make a way for me to stay home. I can't see one right now, but I know that He can. Meanwhile, I will wait. This is the lenten season right now, is it not? Lent is all about waiting. This year the song Matt is using to tie in a sermon series all about the number 40, is the song "40" by U2. Here are the words:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song
He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song
What do I see here? "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry." Ok. I will wait. He is not deaf. He can hear and see my need/desire. "He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm." He will give me the strength to wait. And He will give me the strength to figure out life until then.
I just realized that all I did was whine this entire post. I did not even mention the part that makes all this frustration worth it. My beautiful (I figure I can get away with that term for at least a year, right?) child. Just when I think it wasn't possible, the little man child grows more beautiful every day. He makes me laugh all the time, even when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I love his cooing (video to come on facebook of that cuteness) and smiles. I love that he is so friendly to everyone he meets. He is changing by the minute, it seems and is so smart. He observes everything so seriously. One can almost hear the gears turning in his brain. He makes the frustration and exhaustion worth it. I can keep going just so I can see what he will do next.
