Hurting.

Have you ever had somebody say something so hurtful to you that you just wanted to roll up in a ball and die? It's even more painful when the person is one of the closest people in your life. That happened to me the other day. I will not repeat what they said and I will not say who said it, but it still hurts. It makes me wonder: if I wasn't around, would that make their life easier? According to what was said, I get that impression. They haven't mentioned it since, either. Why does that make it hurt more? There is this huge awkwardness between us that doesn't seem to go away. So now everytime that person says they love me, those words will be hanging in the air, drowning out the love part. I will ask myself, "Do they really love me?" What can I do to relieve this pain?
I read about other people's lives and how perfect they seem according to blogs and Valentine's day plans and facebook posts. Why can't my life be that happy? Am I doing something wrong? If so, what? What can I do different? What can I change in my life to be able to have a happy family?
I feel like a failure this week. I have been trying new ways to keep my house in order, but it always feels like one step forward, two steps back. Then this week happened and now I am two miles backward. Both David and I were so sick I could do little more than keep him fed and not die, myself. So, nothing got done around the house. When David went to sleep, I went to sleep. I didn't even see the disaster until I started feeling a bit better on Saturday and looked around. I did 2 loads of laundry and the dishes, but couldn't even summon the energy to fold the second load and put the clean dishes and first load away. The next day was work and an hour before leaving for work those words that have been floating around my head for the last 2 days.
Oh, I hurt. Where can I turn? To whom can I turn? Ah. I know. Psalm 121.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From whence shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

So as I read this on my trusty Kindle, I am crying in the middle of work. Even those I love the most, trust the most will always fail me. All except one. The Lord who made heaven and earth. He will never fail me. He will always heal me. He knows when I am hurting. Psalm 56:8 = Thou hast taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Thy bottle; Are they not in Thy book?" He records and knows every tear I shed. God will provide the healing. He will provide not only the analgesic to aleviate the pain but the NSAID I need to heal the wound. Not only will He heal my hurt, but He will show me how to fix the problem.

Psalm 73:23-26, 28

Nevertheless I am continually with Thee;
Thou hast taken hold of my right hand.
With Thy counsel Thou wilt guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but Thee?
And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Thy works.

All that to say, God will guide me and teach me the way I need to go. Even though everything and everyone else may fail, including myself, He will not!

I find that after exploring God's word, my turmoil has been replaced with peace. Even though I still hurt, it is as though a buffer has been placed between the words and my soul. I am still wounded, but somehow, the words do not continue to wound. It is almost as though I can feel the healing taking place.

So what do I do with this? I don't want to use this peace and healing to hold over those that hurt me. I refuse to taunt, "Nanna, nanna, boo, boo! You can't hurt me! God is on my side!" No. I want to figure out where the painful words came from. Am I really causing that much hurt in this person's life that they feel the need to hurt me so painfully back? If that is the case, what can I do to stop? How can I be a source of encouragement instead of a source of pain? How can I get this person to help me help them? I do not yet know the answers to these questions, but blessedly I know who does! "With Thy counsel Thou wilt guide me."

So. God, help me take the healing you are providing in my life and be a source of healing and encouragement in this person's life. Help me pray for them. Give me the words to say to them and to You to help them. Give me the strength and wisdom to be what this person needs of me. Continue to grow this person. Continue to help them grow into the person of God that you want them to be. I love them, Lord. I don't want to tear them down, but build them up. Open my eyes to see how to do this. It seems that everything I do hurts them. Help me stop. Help me think. Help me love. Help me. Help them. Help us. God, be glorified in us separately and together. Unify us. Strengthen us. Bind us together for Your glory. Amen.